The Almost End of The Year For 2014

The almost end of the year has come. What would I do to make everything become a perfect year? I wonder… Sometime I am not sure if I can do it or not, because many things happen in my life. They are so many that I couldn’t describe how I feel it inside me. I will slowly explain how I said my life has become worst than I ever expected it to happen, never a time where my life is great and happy. Always, I mean always never the time I get the happy ending…

Here it goes then; first of all, I never could say “no” to anyone who I am almost close with or friends with. I always gave them what they want and then they never appreciate it instead they hate me and talk about me behind my back or treat me like a piece of shit. But I was too stupid to not see it unless someone told me and gave advices about how stupid and idiotic I can be…

Second is that I follow what they told me to do, I never could shake my head or saying “no” to them instead I always nodded my head and saying “ok” or “yeah sure, alright then.’ Seriously I need to stop being so stupid and be besotted by everyone who treated me like a piece of shit. I should let people to respect me as how I respect them, I don’t want to be their puppet anymore.

After what happens, and how I found out the truth behind of your lies and sweet talk. I now have to be more careful around you. Even if I act your friend but I can not act like I normal do, because how you really treat me is so hurtful and unforgivable. You support me and give me great advice, I thought you care for me and really a good friend of mine but I was damn wrong about you all the time. Now, I don’t have anything anymore, I don’t know how to face this feeling anymore of hurtful. I’ve been hurt since I was little and now this is way more hurtful than my past.

And it is why I hope before this year end, I want to have everything be good and nothing bad. Just another memories to be remember when it’s already 3-5 years later, where I become a successful woman. I don’t want no regrets to remember, just another sweet loving memories to laugh and smile about. I want a beautiful last year of 2014. So I pray it will happen, only God knows everything. Always be sure to work hard on what you want, then you get what you achieve for.

This is my story of “The Almost End of The Year For 2014”

Can’t Stand It Anymore

I thought this year would be the best for me but apparently it was worst then I ever expected it would be…How I wish it won’t be like this but now what? All I can do is pray and hoping everything will go back to the way it was… I am scare to be left alone… I think it already happens… I am alone…

I got no friends or anyone to talk about this feeling I keep it inside… My old friends are far and busy with their own life, I don’t know who I can talk with except for my blog… I just couldn’t believe I am weak and now useless like a piece of shit! I want to die now or tomorrow! I can’t help but feeling so emotional with everything happens.. I just wish it was all over and I will be grateful to know the people around won’t ever be hurt or hated because of me again…

Nothing Can Ever Change

The day you break me, it was the day when the sun wasn’t there and the sky started to become grey. It looks like it was about to rain. I keep walking on the side of the road with my head looking ahead but my mind thinking about you. I was wearing a black purple jacket with a hood to cover my head. I was feeling lonely and cold at the same time. Nothing change but my heart does.

As I was walking down the side of the road, something dropping from the sky. I stop from my track and look up at the sky and another dropping falls from the sky before it is starting to rain. I sigh and continue on my track. Suddenly something caught my eyes, I wasn’t sure if I should approach because I wasn’t ready to face the person that standing not far from where I am. My heart beat faster and loud almost I could hear it.

“Should I or shouldn’t I?” I started to ask myself if I should approach the person. 

Before I knew what was happening, the person turns around and our eyes meet. We were lost in our own world as our eyes locked like it was just me and her. She was looking beautiful as I remember, but then I broke the eye contacts and give her a weak smile. She returns it and walk towards me like nothing ever happens.

“It’s nice to see you again, Greg. How are you?” she asks me as soon as she was standing in front of me. Eyes to eyes, face to face. I wasn’t feeling good to know how close she is. I wonder what it feels like to hug her like old time and how awkward we are right now standing face to face.

“Yeah same as you. I’m great. You? How’s Jack?” I ask her like nothings ever happen when the truth my heart breaks into pieces. She was everything to me but like everyone said “if we don’t take care of our girl/guy, someone will do that for us” I guess it is true now that she is with that Jack guy who is always be there for her when I’m busy and often forget about our dates when we were still together.

“He is fine Greg, and so do I. Where are you going on this rainy day?” she asks me with her beautiful smiles that make every guy knees turns weak and melt. 

I smile and a little bit chuckle before saying “just went for a walk. So, I heard about the news. Congrats though on the engagement.” Saying those word make me hard to breathe. How I hate myself for being selfish and forget she was there all along but I was too blind to notice.

“Thanks” she smiles widely and happily at me. My heart stop for a minute and soon break into pieces as I remember she is no longer mine.

After a few chit chatting with her. I finally have the guts to excuse myself and went back home as I leave her to where she was. I know she was waiting for her soon-to-be-husband. I know she knows I’m hurting but she did tries her best to make me feel okay and not feeling the awkwardness when I know it was there.

I was stupid for letting you go, but I now realise she is with someone who can make her happy and smile all the times. And always have time for her no matter whatever happens, but when she was with me, I never have the time for her. I was very damn stupid, it hurt me a lot.

“I’m sorry” I said to no one but the sky and the heavy rain. I hurt her and now she was with someone else. I regret everything, I regret that she is with someone else. Most of all, I feel jealous that someone else makes her happy instead of me. Nothing can ever change the way when it is already happens. All I know is that I’m stupid and I promise when I found someone else I will make her the happiest girl in the earth even though I can’t forgive myself for hurting the girl I ever love. Never will I make the same mistake.

The Start of A New Day

I work already two weeks and I still feels like I am new in this life style. I keep on refreshing back about how in the world I get this job and why I want it so much? Maybe it because I want to save money for my own future and for me to further study. I am still young and still testing this new life after not in high school anymore. It is weird though to know that I am not an high school student any longer. It is sad to know that I am growing up without my close friends beside me nor someone I care to be with me. I am still trying my best to have a better life and to make my family happy as I can try my best to win things without expecting their money or anything. I want to do it own my own because it is who I am.

Sooner or later I will also need to learn the meaning of a true love because when I was in high school I was only learning the meaning of puppy love. It is not really that okay for me because it wasn’t a true love that I ever wanted plus it was with girls…It scares me to think back and recalled it how I ended up like that. It is still creeping me up and wondering if I will find someone that will truly accept me as whom I am… I am not beautiful, intelligence nor good body shape or looking…But I still try to be myself and let them see whom I am…I wanted someone to judge me by my inside not my outside. Don’t need the judgemental people judge because I know it will only turns out nasty…

My life start a few weeks ago when I got a job and now here I am thinking what to do and waiting for the result to come out. Even at my new work place or my first job in entire life I ever have, it still kind a tough and have to be brave, patient, strong and have tough heart to be able to face the people who are bitches and listening to their bitches comments even though I already heard it many times…

By the times I found out how the real world are, I kind a feels like I need to fight it on my own battle and face everything with my own self without a help from my family and friends…But surely I do need their support and advices, without it I will surely give up easily…So I thank them for always being there for me and no matter what happens I still love them endlessly… For better for worst I’ll try to achieve everything and even chase after my dreams with my family and friends support and beside me giving me strength to be strong, patient and most of all brave in face everything…

This is The Start of A New Life
So better believe than imagine
Nothing to be lose but to be taken
Let us all be better for what may the future holds

Sincerely Yours

Ilzah Y.

“You can be mean to me but when I’m bigger than you, you will be begging on me on your knees.”

You Should Have Know

You should know why I meant to be hurt and let you break me instead the other way around. I was scared to see what will coming in the future. I wanted to protect you and make sure you have the best life in your future.

I want the best for you. I want to see you happy again. I want you to be love and not you loving someone. It also to avoid you being hurt if you gives your heart away easily towards the person you only knows not too long.

There are nothings I could do to stop you from being yourself. Although it will hurt you to fake something you aren’t suppose too.

Everything I do, I do it for your own good whether you like it or not. I do it just to see your smiling face again. Those pretty faces of yours make me hard to denied the love u had it for you.  Hard for me to let you go.

All my friends told me, I have to let things go especially letting you go so you can have the love you always wanted. Be with someone you cannot live without it, not someone you can live with. There are differences thing you should take note.

Now you know why I should let you go and make you hurt a little bit. It is all because I can’t give you anything like all the guys out there can give what you wanted including a true love. I’m sorry for hurting you but I’m not sorry for loving you dearly.

Goodbye!

Sincerely Your Ex

Ilzah Y.

“Be strong and face the facts of reality”

New Year, New Life

2013 had gone and now 2014 is here to make us all curious, happy, sad, excited, hurt and pain. But all of it are worth it to begins with.

A new year will bring us to a new life and I’m sure you guys ready to face whatever happens in this 2014. I’ll be grateful to know I’ll be learning a new thing without my friends beside me.

I’m no longer a high school student but I know I will always miss the life in school years. Nothing would ever change because I have my friends to support me now and then and forever always.

2013 was the most precious year in my life. Too many memories to be forgotten. The same goes to 2007-2008. It was interesting and laughable with broken heart.  It always amazed me until now I talk about it to one of my friends seeing she knows the drama that was in 2007-2008.

I never thought I come this far and now here I am thinking what to do with my life and how to survive with the real world. Haha!

2013 I thank you for what you done to me and show me what a real life supposes to be in trying to survive high school. The bullies, the teasing the jokes, the laughter, the friendship, the borken heart and most of all the trust with lies to survive.

2013 you were amazing year I ever had. I found what a true friend really means and now I am hoping 2014 will be the same as 2013. Although I’ll be living in a real world and working, it will be different but it’ll be worth the fight and learning new things now.

So yeah, thank you to those who knows me and I hope you guys have an amazing year and life. You will always be remember by me even we’re far apart and lost contact I still be here waiting for you to remember me. I love you guys from the bottom of my heart. You are one of a kind people I know. May God Bless You and make your life full of happiness :))

Sincerely

Ilzah Y.

“Smile shows you what it means so smile to everyone even the people you don’t know :))”

The shocking News!

I just found out today on 26/13/2013 with the rains fall down heavily; about my friend problem situation. My friend who I will call her F told me or more like texting me at some chat place about the other friend who I call her N.

N was calling F asking about to asked about where can she finds a rented place before the end of this month. N was having a big fights with her family until her family kick her out because she wants to be with this guy who name is A.

N and A are very much active in sexual way. N decided told her parents about her relationship with A but unfortunately N family couldn’t accept it and told her to choose the family or A.

Like a true idiot she is; she choose A and that’s when N family throwing fit at her and tell her to move out by this end of the month. N agrees and that’s when she calls F about searching a rent place and telling F she’s running away.

I know back in high school well actually a few months ago before we end our high school and went separately. She told me she wanted to run away from home and so on. We’re not that close but still we known each other since we were 9 years old.

I told F why N choose A and not her family? Why she must throw away everything for that A guy? She should realize that there is someone out there willing to take her and love her for whom she is. If it’s A, I don’t know what the guy can give to her when all he think is doing that thing!

F only said she doesn’t know and agrees with my words. I know I’m not good at giving advice but I am sure know what is right and what is wrong. F also doesn’t know what to do because she was speechless and out of ideas to says anything.

You see when you love someone or he/she is worth it for you, you at least asks your parents blessing.

Your parents know what goods for you and what is not… Choosing something that soon makes you regret it’s useless already…

Think wisely and better yet never make your parents disappointed in you… They know better than us… So seat back and recall all the mistakes you made and think if he/she worth it in your life…

REMEMEBER THERE ARE MANY BEAUTIFUL FLOWERS OUT THERE AND ONE OF THEM ARE MEANT TO BE YOURS!!!

Sincerely

Ilzah Y.

My Life

I am once a little girl with fragile and happy attitude. I was scare of the world that surrounded me. I was scare to fall and be laugh at.

But once I met my friends and how they loves and protected me from the world. I realize that I finally open up the door to trusted them and be friends with them.

But as through all of my entire life. I learn to lie towards them. It is because how they have a good and crazy family while I have an over-protective and possessive family that always tell me what is good and what is not.

Until one day, I found myself in like with a girl and not a boy. I was told that liking the same gender are wrong and so I keep on quiet without my family knows.

My friends are very supportive and always there for me and never once forget to gives a good advice. But as we gown up and they finally decides to tell me to stop liking girls.

I was hated but not bullied at all. They hate for me for being a lesbian but I know they warnt what the best for me and protected me from being the victim of bullied or being hated.

At first I didn’t hear,  and only said “I will change when the times come, okay?”

They sighs but accpet it. I know deep down in their heart, they wanted to punch me in the face and grab my shirt while saying “open your god damn eyes Zah! This is wrong! Open and change to whom you really are!”

In the end I do stop but not until recently. This year where I sit down alone and have my own time thinking and flashback what suddenly change me.

Believe it or not,  I am not homophobic or hypocrite at all. Nothing what I wrote are against the LGBT. Believe it or not, I am still the little fragile girl but a bit stronger now.

So my life has change thanks to my friends who helped me. Even one of them are like me, they also change and found themselves a boyfriend who accept them for whom they are. Except for me, I am still single but happy with my life hehe!

Oh and I still have those little tiny feeling towards girl but not like the old time. Just a glance I like girls but after I reminded myself I stop and chuckles to myself. I am not hiding or whatever you like to call it because I am happy with my life sometimes it hurts when my family talks about how they hates lesbian/gay but I have to face it they are right and like I said it’s people life if what they choose to love and not mine. Whatever happens I am not against anything or anyone 🙂

Sincerely,

Me

Memories~

I remember when I first met my friends and it was an amazing yet funniest way to be friend. I was just a shy little girl back then and I was a new student too.

And I still remember my first school crush haha! It feel like yesterday when I first lay my eyes on her. Yuo you heard me it’s a her since I went to an all girls’ school.

11 years old at the end of the year I also had my first girlfriend and also I’m one of a player with half of the school hates or anti at me. Meh, who cares!

First day of my high school year. I was nervous yet being all shy again like how I actually am. As soon as I spotted my friends I’ve become talkative yet crazy with my friends. It was an all girls schook though. No boys so it’s feel safe
yet home likemy primary school.

And soon the years passed by, and me being back to my player until this year (2013) I’ve stop being one. I focus on my life and study even though I am lazy but still focused on it.

After being hurt by my ex including my very own best friend. All of my exes I dated were 1-3 weeks or 1 year, nothing more than that.

But all the memories with that can be useful since I’ve known how to be a good person for someone one day.

Through my years of school life, I learn that each of us have our very own ‘memories’ but mine sure a lot of hell.

The fights in school with friends and enemies are worthless when I think back. I learnt through out the years that fighting and being bullied were for weak people and not stronger people. So yeah, I guess I am one of the weakest. Haha!

High school memories are meaningful to me. I miss my friends even though half of them I still talk with at Wechat, Facebook and Twitter. But without seeing their face anymore it’s kind sad and missing them.

My friends are like families to me. We grew up together since we’re in primary school. I wish I could make a nice memories and high school because I was so damn lazy and sometimes skipping school for no reasons haha!

Now nothing to regrets because it’s already happens. I got to move on and face the facts of reality that my high school life has already ended.

Whatever happen now is wait for the result to come out next year on March. And then, that is where my real life starting. I wish I pass the exam or else I’ll be a stupid yet a loser for the rest of my life. Don’t want to disappointed my parents and family.

My primary and high school life in SFC has finally ended. I am grateful to created such many memories in those school and with the teachers too. Even I’m not school anymore the SFC school, I will always be CONVENT GIRL! St Francis Convent is where I school and create many memories in my entire school’s life!

Sincerely Your Ex Student

ILZAH Y.